


I am... not fine... at all. Please. help me.

by Pai61



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andreil, Andreil Au, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Neil Is an Idiot, Non-Explicit Sex, Panic Attack, Panic Attacks, Probably failed, Seriously I Have No Idea, a mugger, andrew and neil never got together, neil got court, no one knnoooowwwss, quite serious its non explicit. it's barely half a paragraph, so is Andrew, this is years later, tried not to make them ooc, what I am doing is unknown even to me., what had become of andrew?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-03-20 01:59:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18982903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pai61/pseuds/Pai61
Summary: AU where Neil takes longer to figure shit out than expected, Andrew is a patient boy, but all he does is f u c k i n g  l i e to neil's face and G O D D A M N angsty shit! Also, they may have accidentally moved into the same appartment building and Neil broke Andrew's window playing Exy with Kevin for practice because he stills loves Exy! Set in the off season because I don't actually know how Court (yes, Neil makes it to Court) works!!! So the rooftop kiss never happened, and Roland never made the slip upi dont own the characters or canon plot. it all belongs to darling nora sakavic





	1. An unexpected reunion and a broken window

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BasilAndSnow61](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BasilAndSnow61/gifts).



> Please please pretty please (andrew killed me for saying that) this is my first andriel fic and I need criticism !!! thank you so much for reading and feel free to comment to let me know of my mistakes. I don't have a beta... :(

Neil glared at Kevin as he rambled about Neil's endless shortcomings. Neil had already made Court! Lord Ichirou hadn't contacted him and no one had tried to kill him yet. His playing was the best, according to Court rankings. What more did Kevin want. But Neil knew it was unfair, he and Neil shared the same love for the sport, and regardless of backgrounds, it was the one true home they had. Improvement was always the end goal. It was something both Kevin and Neil had learned from USC. Jeremy Knox had even hung out with them for a while, when he also joined Court. It'd been a while. Jean and Jeremy had been on honeymoon status for a pretty long time, but both men deserved it, so no one commented. Kevin was still ranting his face off, making wild gestures and Neil rolled his eyes. He tossed the ball up repeatedly with his racquet, ignoring Kevin. Until Kevin shoved him, and startled, Neil hit the ball into the air out of habit, but his startle made a pretty grave miscalculation, and the ball sailed into a window, about three stories up. That's heavy racquets for you. 

"If that hadn't come from you not paying attention, that would have been an awesome shot. Unfortunately for you, now there's a mess to clean up, and some stranger is  _not_ going to be happy," Kevin said to Neil. Neil blanched, but he knew if he smiled and showed up in his current attire, the person might be more forgiving. Neil had gotten used to the fame, and dragging Kevin along might soften the blow. The Queen tattooed on Kevin's cheek was still famous, even to non-Exy people. Kevin saw the look on Neils face and backed away.

"Oh no, Josten. No way I'm covering your ass. Didn't we go through that whole shebang with the Foxes and Wymack being my dad? Nuh-uh. I have to meet up with Thea."

Neil said nothing, and opted to shoot Kevin a pitying glance. Thea was ruthless, especially if someone was late. Thank the lord above Kevin had the same attitude. Neil could hardly stand being in the same room as Kevin, both of them in one? No way Neil was messing with that shit. 

"Whatever. Bye, Kevin. See you tomorrow. We have to go over strategies. Don't let your girlfriend kill you before then!" This earned Neil a smack upside the head, or at least an attempt at one, Neil was expecting it, and he was still too quick, even for Kevin Day. Neil laughed under Kevins' glare.

"Don't forget to pay for that window, you moronic douche bag of a failure!" Kevin called out and Neil's laughter cut off abruptly. He looked at the ceiling.  _God I hope I still have some money from my left over 20%!!!_ He sighed and continued to the third floor. Even after several years, Neil still had the instinctual habit to know his way around a building's layout only after a day of living in it, but Neil had moved in last week, just after off-season had started (Neil's team had won. Neil was super hungover when he moved in. The Foxes had competition for extreme partying). He knew the building like the back of his hand, but between intense sessions with the late Foxes (Dan, Matt, Kevin) he hadn't really had time to get to know its inhabitants. that's at least what he kept telling himself. He knew it had been years after his graduation, but he still felt something empty. It had been there for a while. He had naively thought Exy would fix it, but it didn't. It only quieted the symptoms. That's why he worked his ass off training with Kevin on prescicion skills and different positions with Dan and Matt. The off-season was taking a toll. He reached the room he assumed the ball had landed in, and cringed. He shook the look off his face and forced the most charming smile onto it instead. He knocked and before he could rap the door a second time, it swung open quickly, nearly making him lose his balance. He did when he saw the face behind the door. Looking serious and pissed off, but still detached. Like it had always been. It had been years since Neil last saw him, and even longer since Neil had risked himself for him by submitting to his father's people. He looked at those golden eyes and he freezed. Andrew rolled his eyes and stepped to the side, giving Neil a perfect view of the totally smashed window. It was so broken, it barely even had a ring of jagged glass around it. There was glass all over the floor, and the shock of one window breaking had cracked the nearby ones as well. So much for sturdy windows. Neil grimaced and anxiously twisted his hands. 

"Hello, Junkie! Nice to see you as well!" Andrew said sarcastically. Neil frowned but kept himself in check.

"Can I come in? I need to call the landlord, but ummmm.... I may or may not have left my phone at home." Neil rubbed the back of his neck shamefully and slanted his eyes up from their view of the ground. Andrew rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Whatever happened to keeping your phone on you?"

"Nicky constantly sends pictures of Eric and/or Germany and it was interrupting practice sessions with Kevin. So I left it at home so I wouldn't forget and leave it somewhere."

Andrew's face had no emotion on it when he said, "What if your girlfriend got concerned that you were ditching you phone for Exy when she could need you?"

Neil looked confusedly at Andrew. Andrew said nothing, just sat there, not moving. 

"I thought I had cleared that up a while ago with Nicky and the group that I don't swing?"

Andrew looked bored, as if Neil was no longer interesting and walked inside, coming back to the door with his phone in hand. Still the same model, small and black, but it's weight was familiar, and Neil didn't hesitate when typing the number in. He spoke for a few minutes in Andrew's doorway while Andrew stared at his fingernails, like they offended him. Neil made disappointed faces every once in a while, but Andrew didn't notice or care. It seemed Andrew had never grown out of hating Neil, despite the sacrifices Neil had made. The landlord hung up and Neil softly placed his arm out, a silent invitation for Andrew to take his phone back.

"The landlord says he won't be able to get repairs on it for a couple of months... something about the repair crew working on a project and having no time. He didn't care that it wasn't my apartment, he told me it was my job to figure it out." Neil glanced at Andrew, who leaned against the wall, phone in hand, looking at Neil, eyes hooded. His mouth was turned down, but his whole face screamed his utter lack of interest. Neil realized the trouble he was in, when the room had suddenly raised about ten degrees, and the bugs started flying in. 

"Ah fuck, you're not going to be able to live here with this lack of temperature control, and my agreement with Ichirou didn't cover the cost of renting an entire apartment. Fuck. You can just live with me" Neil said, seriously. Andrew looked at him for a brief second like Neil had said something interesting, but his boredom returned all too quickly. He said nothing.

"Look, Andrew. I know it's a bit awkward and I'm sorry about all this, but I really can't afford another apartment, and I really don't want you having to pay for another one. The Landlord has agreed to stop the heating and electricity bills until the repair crew come in, and I have the extra space, so, you know, I wouldn't mind," Neil struggled to find footing in this unfamiliar territory. Andrew had always been quiet, but they hadn't been separated this long, and after the graduation, Andrew hadn't even said goodbye. For some reason that had hurt Neil a lot, and he had sulked for some time afterwards, until Wymack had yelled at him to get off his ass. That had been the beginning of Neil's complete devotion to Exy.

"Stop," he heard Andrew say, and he hadn't even realized he had been talking until Andrew's hand covered his mouth. Andrew was looking at Neil intently. 

"Shut up, you sound like Nicky for fucks sake. Just stop. I'll move in, temporarily. Only because you are not a complete stranger and I shared a room with you before. You are still nothing to me. I still hate you. And you owe me several new windows." Neil nodded grimly and Andrew drew his hand away. He got up and looked at Neil with boredom. 

"I'm room 169, you can come in, I'll leave the door unlocked for you. I'll just start getting the room ready," Neil didn't even wait for Andrew's approval. He just walked out. He jogged up to his room, near the very top. For some reason the buildings number system was flopped, the smaller numbers closer to the top, larger ones near the bottom. Out of ten floors, Neil was on the ninth, not ideal if he had to make a quick escape, but after Ichirou's promise to keep him safe, Neil didn't mind.

He had the fire escapes memorized anyways just in case. He reached his door and pulled out his key. He jiggles it a bit and walked inside. His apartment was still bare from lack of use, and there was nothing out of order. Neil had apparently grown accustomed to lack of material stuff. He walked into the spare room Matt forced him to get, just in case he and Dan were in town and wanted to crash to hang out with their friend, but it was still empty as Dan and Matt were busy with wedding plans. Allison had moved on from Seth and was currently dating Renee. According to social media, they were very much in love. He hadn't heard much from either of them, except from the occasional call Renee did as a check up. Aaron gone MIA in Neil's word, but Nicky said he and Katelyn were happily married and had already had one child. Aaron was a doctor, medicinal, and was still a hero, saving lives instead of crushing them. Nicky said he and Andrew were on speaking terms, but things were still frosty. Nicky conceded that it was better than before.

Nicky was happy with Erik in Germany, playing on a local Exy team, but mainly trying to find the right career. Erik was happy enough to sustain him, but Nicky didn't like the idea of housewife as much as he had originally thought, and was having a great time working at a children's center. It came as only a mild surprise, as Nicky's bubbly and excitable personality helped him get along with everyone. Neil got only a bit sorrowful at this, but he instantly scolded himself for dragging himself down to this mindset. He was still very reserved, but through a lot of work and pushing in Exy, he had been able to contain his emotions. He reserved his black out drinking nights for after important games and holidays. Those were the only times he allowed himself to get emotional. Alone in his apartment with a bottle of whiskey or vodka. He never got too attached to one place because of his need to stay close to the court and his team , and he didn't see the point in paying rent when he could just stay in the available and cheap hotels near the court. But Matt had pushed enough that Neil got himself a permanent one, close to the court, but cheap enough Neil didn't have to feel guilty about it.

Neil set up sheets on Andrew's bed. He laughed when he realized he wouldn't be alone any longer. Then frowned because his only company in here would be  _Andrew._  Who still hated him. Neil sighed. he wished he had patched it up, or gotten closer to Andrew. But Andrew always pushed him away, saying Neil was nothing, nobody. He made his way unfazed when someone gave only two deliberate knocks on the door. He opened it and stepped back. Andrew didn't hesitate. He carried three bags of clothing and items. Neil was surprised he hadn't brought more. It didn't matter, there was plenty space for whatever Andrew had to bring. He sat down and tried to make small talk, but he was rusty, having never needed the use of it with his team or after his mother's death. 

"How long have you lived here?"

"A week." Andrew's reply was curt and uninterested. Neil pushed, trying to dig up the Andrew he knew.

"Why?"

"Unimportant. I got bored of my last residence." Neil fretted and he just couldn't take it anymore. The black hole in his chest stung and grew every time Andrew cut him short. He was so  _detached_. Neil just couldn't take it. He felt he had done something wrong to offend Andrew.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't" Andrew said warning. But there wasn't enough force and apparently Neil still had his death wish because he continued.

"No, I don't get it. I mean, I now you're probably pissed about the window, but this was happening before that. You cut off from me after the Raven match my freshman year and I don't understand why. If we are stuck together, and you agreed to this by the way, then wouldn't you think you should, I don't know, try opening up for once in your goddamn fucking life? Please?" At this Andrew swiftly jumped off the couch and lunged at Neil, who was too surprised to expect it, and He had already drawn a knife from his arm bands. Andrew pressed it up against Neil's throat, but Neil stared at him, unmoving, determined. Andrew smiled cruelly.

"You know I hate that word. Don't say it again. Or else," Andrew snarled.

"I thought you had my back, Andrew. Or is your hate for me so strong you can't even keep a promise," Neil said, his voice strong, but in his chest, his heart hammered away uncontrollably. Andrew looked at him intently before falling back to his original spot, looking away, his knife already gone under the bands.

"You are right,  _Nathaniel_ , I do hate you, but that promise ended with my graduation. And I don't think the landlord or your coach would like if you died. I'm bored of this. I'm going out." Andrew stood up, grabbed his keys and left. He didn't care enough to ask how he could get back in, but Neil trusted him to know how to break in by himself. Or to at least knock. But Neil didn't worry about any of that. Andrew's goodbye had done worse damage to Neil than Neil had expected. He felt weight settle on him, and that's when the memories started coming.

He leaned forward and clutched his hair. He saw himself now, icy blue eyes, auburn hair, the image of his father. He saw Lola grinning at him cruelly as she set fire to his face. He saw her on his lap, calling him his father. He saw his dad, cleaver and ax in hand, lunging at Neil desperately. He saw Riko, lying in bed next to him, Jean in the corner, grim faced. He felt blades cut into his skin. His face felt likes it was burning. He felt the swollen stomach of his mother as he tried to determine her illness. He hearsd the rip, similar to Velcro, as he tried prying her from the car seat. He heard flames roaring and knives whistling past his ears as he visualized the car torching. He felt Tutsuji's cane striking his face, over and over again. He was screaming in his head, but he can't hear it. The sound of blood rushing like a scene from the Shining was in his head.

He saw flashes, bits and pieces. The worst images were the last. They came in tormentingly slow. All with great detail, like someone pressed playback at a fourth of the regular speed. He saw Andrew, going through withdrawal and dry heaving. He saw Kevin get yelled at Riko. He saw Dan and Matt, being pushed down over and over again by the Ravens. One thing stayed in his mind, though. It blocked out all the rest. He saw Drake, latched on to Andrew. Andrew laughing as Aaron swung Neil's racquet into Drake's temple with a sickening crunch. Then something else came, and it wasn't even real. It's Mr. Proust, faceless. He was hitting, abusing Andrew. Andrew was screaming, pleading and _he_ _can't help_. He just hears laughter. Sick, cold laughter echoing in his ears. Louder than the rushing of blood and fire. He tore at his face and collapsed on the ground, not seeing anything. Barely feeling the cold floor beneath him. He saw all his friends, being tortured over and over again by his father, or Riko, or Ichirou. He saw his worst nightmares. He relived his worst memories. Andrew's laughter as Drake's body hit the floor. Over and over and over again. A slow motion shot of Aaron swinging like his life depended on it. His didn't, but Andrew's could've.

He shivered on the ground, crying, red trails down his face and scalp, hair in jagged spikes from fierce tugging. His eyes were closed and he struggled to breathe. He was gasping, choking. He didn't hear when Andrew opened the door, dropped his keys, and rushed beside the lump of a mess that was Neil. He pulled Neil into his lap as Neil struggles to breathe. Neil looked at Andrew, and all he saw was blood. His father. His dead mother. Pain. He heard Andrew's laughter sharply and clearer than before. He screamed and howled and swiped at Andrew. Andrew defended the swipe with a mighty block, his strength not having diminished at all. Those weights were worth it as Neil had grown nearly as strong. He scrambled away, his nails leaving faint marks on the wood. He crawled desperately into the corner and hyperventilated. Andrew didn't touch him at all. He couldn't. He saw the fear in Neil's eyes, and it reminded him of his own when Drake was... it didn't matter. Neil needed somebody, and none of their past teammates were close by, and he couldn't trust any of Neil's new teammates. He leaned close to Neil, but didn't touch him. Just a few inches between their noses.

"Neil. Look at me," Andrew's voice was hard, unforgivable. Neil didn't flinch. In fact, he calmed down. He started to breathe easier. But his eyes were foggy, and his knuckles were white as he clutched his legs to his chest.

"I'm fine," he said. He wasn't seeing Andrew. Andrew cursed and raised his arm out quickly, feigning an oncoming hit. Neil, frightened, looked up and whimpered, raising his arms. When the blow didn't  land, Neil lowered his hands. He looked at Andrew's unimpressed face.

"I though we talked about what would happen if you said you were 'fine' ever again," Neil shrunk and his eyes were wide with fear. But they were bright. Only a slight mist rested over them. The worst was over, but Andrew wasn't finished. He held his raised hand out, only a few centimeters from Neil's face.

"Yes or no," He asked. Not unkindly, but stony faced anyways. Nail looked at him, and even though the mist resisted, he seemed to actually see Andrew.

"Yes. Always yes," he said. His voice wobbled, and he looked so young. With a relatively normal life, years of hiding and restraining emotion made it bubble to the surface. His friends didn't complain. Neil was still Neil, but he was softer around the edges. Still deadly, but not emotionless like Andrew, or distant like Aaron. He contributed more to conversations. The only negative was this. Resurgences of memories. And out of practice, he couldn't hide it anymore. His wound had festered. It was taking time to heal. Exy helped though.

Andrew looked hard into Neil's eyes, but seemed to have found what he was looking for. He reached out gently and grabbed Neil's neck. He tugged and Neil collapsed onto Andrew on the floor. Andrew cradled Neil's head against his body. He just held him. Andrew stayed tense, unmoving, but Neil gradually melted under the pressure and familiar smell. Neil breathed in deeply, and Andrew just looked at the wall opposite of him. His arm remained wrapped around Neil, but they provided little normal comfort. But that was fine. Neil had never had normal comfort. It wouldn't have been helpful. But Andrew's apathy was familiar, despite Neil's annoyance with it. He knew how to deal with it. he had done it before. It made Andrew... well... Andrew. Neil sighed and the mist cleared. He opened his eyes wearily. There was blood on his face. His nails had dug deep. He was weak and his throat hurt from screaming. His eyes were dull and sad, red-rimmed and dark. His mouth was a frown, loose and tired. His hair fell around his face in jagged curls. 

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Neil was slipping again. The fog was slipping back over him. 

"No, no stop it! Goddamn it Neil! Do the others know? Have you talked to Bee?" Andrew said harshly, with menace and contempt. Neil's demeanor hardened and the fog went away, but Andrew couldn't let Neil slip into the past again. Andrew's foster brothers and sisters had often had panic attacks, and he had always been there to watch. he knew that if not constantly watched and prodded, they would slip back into the darkest of places. Andrew shook his head at Neil but Neil didn't move. He just looked up at him, tiredly.

"Renee, Renee knows. She called me in the middle of one. Don't, "he said loudly when Andrew started to withdraw his hold on Neil, "She and Allison are busy. Leave them be. I've handled these before. They've never been this bad. I'm-"

"Stop that right now,"Andrews smile was cruel and deadly, "You liar. You are  _not_ fine. Lie to me again about your mental state and I will set up a meeting with Bee for you." Neil froze and looked up at him. He glared.

"Fuck you," Andrew laughed at Neil's response it was a harsh sound but it brought a quick smile onto Neil's face. He dropped it because it was too hard to maintain. He slumped farther into Andrew's grip. Andrew held on tighter and looked down.

"Get your ass up you imbecile." Neil shook his head, and slipped farther, he slipped so low he nodded off on Andrew's lap. His exhaustion knocked him out, and he barely noticed as  Andrew lifted his lanky frame and took him to his bedroom. He was softly deposited on his bed, and he mumbled something incoherently as Andrew slipped him under the sheets. Andrew did not even look back as he started to leave.

"Stay. Don't leave me again," Neil said softly in his sleep induced haze. Andrew stopped abruptly. He must have noticed the look on Neil's face. Sorrow, desperation, vulnerability. His gaze hardened, and his body tensed and he seemed to fight with himself. Twitching before he sighed and his shoulder's slumped.

"You mean nothing," Neil winced and Andrew tensed again, a flash of  _something_ in his eyes. Neil wasn't sure what. But Neil eased the look on his face, and his eyelids drooped.

"The more you say it, the less I believe you," he said softly. He rolled over a bit, facing the side Andrew was walking towards.

"I hate you"

"What percent of the time?" Andrew froze, then eased up and slipped under the covers next to Neil.

"90% of the time," Andrew said coolly, feet between their bodies.

"So... that other ten percent, you like me?"

"91" Andrew reached out in warning.

"I knew it! Andrew Minyard had to have  _some_ like for me. No one could hate me as much as you do!"

"92 going on 93" His voice was hard and Neil laughed. He reached out quickly, but stopped a couple of inches from Andrew. 

"Yes or no," Neil whispered. Andrew froze again, and Neil withdrew his hand a bit. Andrew's gaze hardened.

"No," at this, Neil smiled sadly and dropped his hand in between them.

"It's okay if you don't want to stay. It was stupid of me to even ask. You don't even want to be friends. Go to your room, Andrew. I'm... okay. I be alright without you." He sounded sincere, but Andrew's face said he didn't believe a word when he turned around briefly to look at Neil. Neil's face turned hard.

"Leave. Andrew. Now," Neil hated how much that voice sounded like his Father's, but he didn't budge. To hide how close he was to losing his temper, he turned his back to Andrew. He couldn't see the reaction, but from the lack of response, he knew Andrew didn't care. He didn't see how Andrew's face grew to stone, how his whole body tensed, how his eyes grew black and dangerous. He didn't see how he wrenched self control over himself and left. Neil growled into his pillow and shed hot angry tears. He was too exhausted for anything more that evening, so he slipped into the darkness.  


	2. Nothing

Neil woke up to a door slamming. He instantly regretted his actions last night. Now way in hell would he leave Andrew leave angry like last time. He bolted out of his bed in a most un-Neil-like fashion and he threw himself out the door. He knew only one place where Andrew would go in his murderous state. Before Neil got kidnapped, Andrew and him had met up on the rooftop. Andrew said it made him feel. Neil knew the opposite was the same. Fear could trump any other emotion, and he knew Andrew knew it. He raced up there in last nights clothing, his work out gear. He probably smelled. He didn't care. Andrew knew first hand what Exy smelled like. He had breathed it for five years on end. Neil launched himself to the top of the building. He saw Andrew smoking by the ledge. This one had rails, but Neil's heart still flipped when he saw Andrew lean over it. He looked like a picture straight from a magazine. His stormy, uncaring glance at the world beyond, black bands and t-shirt tight against his muscles. Hands dangling and mouth pouted with  a cigarette puckered in between his lips. The rising sun glinted off his blonde hair and he made no sign as to have noticed Neil. When he heard Neil draw breath to speak, he spun around and clapped his hand over Neil's mouth.

"No. Do not apologize. No regrets. Move on, and protect what you have," Andrew said fiercely, so much anger and hatred in his eyes. His eyebrows were drawn and his snarl was ferocious and feral. Neil didn't bat an eye. He nodded. Andrew let go and turned away.

"My turn. What are you protecting," Neil pushed, but he gave Andrew his time to deem this conversation interesting.

"You," Neil recognized it immediately as the truth, he wanted to ask again, but Andrew raised a hand.

"It's my ball now, Abram. How do you usually deal with the attacks?" Neil didn't hesitate.

"Exy."

"God, what a junkie."

"Mine. How are you protecting me."

"I've been keeping tabs on you for your duration in Court. Wymack and Kevin didn't trust someone like you not to draw attention outside of that japanese bitch's jurisdiction. I'm still watching that target on your back. Funnily enough, it seems your demons come from within. Change of pace is interesting." Neil looked at him. Andrew turned his face halfway towards Neil, his face full of amusement. Neil glowered. But then he smiled.

"I've always had a death wish." And with that he went forward toward Andrew. He reached out a hand.

"Don't. It's my turn." Neil froze and awaited, "Why would you open up your house to me, when we haven't seen each other or spoken in years?"

Neil looked Andrew in the eye.

"You gave me the key to my home once. You handed me a place among your ranks for my agreement to not run away. We have no such contract now. I'll give you a home, and my friendship, even if you despise me 93 percent of the time, and in return, you have to promise not to leave me." Andrew's bored mask slipped on.

"Clinginess is boring, and honesty is starting to look bad on you again. But, I guess. I like your view better anyways. Kevin's antics are still just as boring as they were in the beginning," Andrew sighed and stubbed the butt of his cigarette on the railing. He slanted his eyes to Neil.

"Speaking of, you have practice soon. I might even goal if I'm bored. You seem to lack good books," Neil scoffed at Andrew's comment.

"You just haven't taken the time to actually read them. Renee introduced me to a book called Carry On, by Rainbow Rowell. It's one of my favorites. And let's not forget about Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of The Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. Or any of their other books. Sammy and Juliana in Hollywood made me cry! Why don't you read that so you feel something!" Neil said quick and harsh. Andrew laughed.

"Fine, it's not like I have anything else to do." Andrew walked away, his face still bored, despite the brief intervals of laughter. Neil looked out to what Andrew was watching. He saw a man without his top, glistening in the sun, cleaning his car about two doors down. Neil couldn't see him very well, but he could clearly defined how muscular he was. And the patch of bright red hair that shone like a beacon in the sunlight. Neil felt his heart twinge, but he couldn't tell why. Maybe he was attracted to the man? No, Neil didn't swing.  _Except for one person_ his mind supplied, but he wasn't even aware where that came from. he just spun on his heel and walked back to the apartment. He threw on some Exy clothes and met Kevin. After Neil asked about Andrew and Kevin didn't answer, Neil dropped it. He couldn't afford to be angry at his mentor, especially when he was the only one willing to put effort into pushing Neil as far as he could go. Neil gritted his teeth and pushed himself dead exhausted in practice during the customary Raven drills Kevin supplied, and some of the Fox ones. He practiced every position on court until he had mastered it this week, but his goal keeper position still needed improvement.

After the practice, Kevin had less negative things to say, and Neil took that as the only apology he was going to get for being unknowingly shadowed for years. Neil, around noon, headed upstairs. He still needed to get groceries, but no way in hell was he going to shop like  _this_. Neil raced the final stretch and opened his door. He stripped off his shirt in the corridor after kicking his door closed. He shook his hair loose from his bandana and paused to catch his breath. He started walking down the corridor to the laundry room where he dumped his shirt and shorts and briefs on the ground, socks following soon after. He then grabbed a towel off the rack nearby and walked a few paces to the bathroom. Andrew wasn't in so he left the door open to ventilate the steam. Neil let scalding water fall upon his back and he scrubbed harshly on his skin. This afternoon consisted of just note taking on this year's performance of his team. Kevin had forbade him to do anything hard today after the grueling practice session that morning. He closed his eyes under the spray as he washed his hair and let his mind wander. He thought about today's practice and how he could improve techniques later on, especially as goal keeper. He though about asking Andrew, because he had offered on the rooftop that very morning, but he didn't want to push it. He got out of the shower, still thinking. He was dried off his legs  and was working his way up when he saw Andrew. Neil remembered right then when Andrew had softly traced all of Neil's scars with heavy hands. Neil wanted to shield his body, but Andrew didn't even spare him a second glance. Neil didn't know how to feel about that exactly. He finished and wrapped the towel around his waist. He walked into his room and when he had successfully put on something less revealing than his towel and walked out, he spotted Andrew putting groceries away.  _Since when does Andrew get groceries?_ Neil was confused, but he didn't mind.

"I can pay you back for the cost. I do technically owe you a lot," Neil offered gently. Andrew looked at him uncaring, then returned to his earlier ministrations. He moved all the groceries from their bags on the floor to their respective places in the kitchen. Neil was surprised, but not quite when he realized his kitchen was practically bare, excluding the few spices he had brought from the store the last time. Neil watched as Andrew's muscles flexed against his shirt. Neil just leaned on the center isle and watched him, chin resting on one hand. Andrew didn't look at him but Neil didn't mind. He was probably crossing a thousand not-friend boundary lines, but he couldn't stop. Watching suited him just fine, and on the other side of the kitchen isle, he wasn't too tempted to touch. Now that would most certainly not even be a friend thing to do. That and Andrew wouldn't take it. He'd probably skin Neil alive if Neil touched him, even if it was a light touch on Andrew's shoulder. Neil couldn't risk it. Kevin would kill him if he did. Neil just leaned there, unmoving, face blank. But his icy blue stare gazed on Andrew's back as he bent down over and over again to put things away. when he was done Neil pretended to be cleaning his Neil's. Andrew didn't notice how the tips of Neil's ears went red. Not like he could tell the difference from Neil's hair. 

"Hey Andrew. My turn. Did you like that man down there, who was cleaning his car? If you want, I can probably get his number for you," Neil supplied, his tone flat. He sounded bored, and Neil wanted to keep it that way. Andrew looked at him, seemingly surprised. It didn't last long.

"I want nothing," And he turned again. He turned the burner on, scrounged for a pan, and then started making food. If Andrew was cooking, he thanked the gods above, because Neil had never actually learned how to make real food. It's not like his mother could give him a one to one lesson while running from his father. Neil walked around tot he other side of the isle, where Andrew stood. 

"Hey, Andrew, can I help?"

"No."

"Do you need the apron?"

"No."

"Do you need the salt?" At this Neil grinned cheekily, because he knew Andrew did need the salt as he worked on the omelette. 

"No."

"Okay then, I guess I can just hide it where you'll never find it," Neil said taking the salt. Andrew glared at him from his three inches beneath Neil.

"Yes." At this Neil smiled softly into Andrew's glare and passed him the salt. There were just a few inches between them, but to Neil it felt like it was on the other side of an Exy court. He stood there, and when he noticed Andrew needed something, he had it for him and placed it in an upturned hand. Andrew split the omelette on two plates and passed one plate to Neil. They ate in silence and Neil cleared up for them. Andrew walked over to Neil's meager bookshelf. Which had started from the sole book Carry On. Every time one of his friends came to visit, they left him a book with a little note inside. Andrew picked up Carry On and sat down on the couch. He read the little note inside, but his expression did not change. He started reading, and Neil was surprised he read so fast. Almost three pages per minute, Neil guessed. Neil grabbed his laptop and sat down on his couch.

"I also have Maggie Stiefvater's Raven Cycle. If you want." At this Andrew nodded. 

"I think you would relate to Ronan," Neil said cautiously. Andrew lifted his head for an explanation, but when Neil didn't supply one he went back to reading.

About thirty minutes later, while Neil was about a third into the game, Andrew interrupted with frustration

"This Simon boy is pathetic. All he does is pine like an idiot. It's obvious he loves this Baz kid more than his girlfriend" Andrew snarled. Later, he got to where Baz had waltzed in using Open Sesame.

"Finally,  _this_ guy shows up! I like him!" Neil chuckled at Andrew involvement in the book. Not too long after that he heard Andrew face palm. Neil knew he had gotten to where Baz reveals his love for Simon.

"They're both pining idiots! Why won't Baz just  _blow him already_?!"

"Maybe Simon doesn't feel the same way?"

"I don't like you! That doesn't mean I wouldn't blow you!" Neil smiled and brushed off the comment Andrew hadn't meant to make. He let Andrew continue and he tried to concentrate on his game. It had been a while, and he had gone through probably two games, maybe three, he wasn't quite sure. But it was late when Andrew started to sniffle. Brushing away hot tears, Andrew's eyes looked red. Neil stared in shock at his roommate.

"Andrew, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Andrew said.

"That's my line. Keep going," and Andrew did. Neil recognized this part, because it was chapter sixty. He heard Andrew sigh, and then Neil braced himself for another outburst. As Simon flies away Andrew gasps horrified. He flies through the pages, and eventually Neil has to stop watching his screen in favor of cataloging all of Andrew's reactions. For a stone faced heartless monster, he wasn't expecting such a reaction from Andrew while reading Carry On. But Carry On could do this to anyone, so maybe he wasn't that surprised. He scooted closer to Andrew, but Andrew was too absorbed in the book to notice. Neil read along as Andrew sat there shaking at times. Smiling at others. He looked so  _real_. Was this Andrew every time he read? His reactions were smaller than Neil's were, but there was at least something. When Andrew reached the last page, he just stared at it.

"Please tell me there is a fucking sequel." Was the only comment Andrew made. Neil restrained his laughter, and opted to log onto his computer and show Andrew his Amazon account. 

"I have already bought the sequel. It comes out on September 24th. We'll have to wait a while, but Wayward Son is definitely worth it." Neil grabbed Carry On time and put it back on the shelf, grabbing all four of Maggie Stiefvater's books.

"Now, here, take these books to read for tomorrow. I'll give you Aristotle and Dante when you finish these. I think you'll like them." At this Neil left Andrew to sit their in the soft light of the lamp as Neil climbed into bed. He fell asleep and listened to Andrew walk to his room, carrying a couple more pounds than normal. 

In the morning, Neil was up early making coffee when he saw Andrew come in with deep circles under his eyes.

"I didn't mean binge read all night!" Andrew glared at him clutching the Raven King. He waited as Neil poured them coffee and he downed it all.

"So, thoughts and comments on the characters?"

"I like Adam. I understand why Ronan likes him. In my opinion, Adam really needs Ronan, despite his constant reassurances that he can take care of himself. Everybody else sucks," Andrew grumbled. It's probably the most he's ever said to Neil at one time.

"Personally, my favorite is Ronan. He acts so tough, but we all know inside he is alive, breathing, with his own fears. Also, Pynch may be the greatest ship ever, next to Dari and Snowbaz. " Neil shrugged and continued to sip his coffee. He walked over to his book case to pull out Andrew's next book.

"Try sleeping before reading this one. I'll be out with Kevin," Neil said and he left Andrew to his own devices. He wondered what Andrew does for a living. He'd ask him later. He got dressed and made his way down to Kevin. They got to work right away and Neil worked himself boneless again and Kevin chewed him out for overworking himself. Kevin would always have several more years of experience, so Neil desperately needed his advice at times. But working with Kevin never restricted his ability to play the game like  _Neil_. Neil returned to his apartment exhausted and hungry at three. Andrew was on the small balcony smoking, his hands trembled and Neil noticed the closed book on the couch. Neil nodded and walked up to Andrew. 

"That one is getting a sequel as well." Andrew looked at him. His face gave nothing away, but Neil knew. Neil took Andrew's cigarette from his fingers and brought it to his lips. He took a slow drag and Andrew trained his eyes on Neil's puckered lips like his life depended on it. Andrew grabbed the cigarette back and tossed it out over the railing. He grabbed the back of Neil's neck.

"Yes or no." Andrew whispered harshly. Neil gazed into the golden dark eyes that peered at him under soft blonde eyelashes.

"Yes. It's always yes," Neil said honestly. He didn't understand what he felt, he just knew he wanted Andrew more than anything. He knew that a long time ago, when he was willing to sacrifice himself for Andrew.

"Don't say stupid things like that," Andrew said hoarsely before pulling Neil in for a kiss. Andrew kissed like he needed it desperately. He kissed like it was the last time. Neil didn't raise his arms, he just leaned against the wall while Andrew left his hands on Neil's neck. Neil knew Andrew was only kissing him because he had just read six gay books right in a row and he was feeling needy. But Neil didn't care. For the first time in a while, the black hole in his chest felt smaller. It felt nearly gone. But with each time Andrew bit Neil's bottom lip, or slipped his tongue in Neil's mouth to explore, Neil remembered that Andrew didn't want him. And that hurt. Before, he might've let Andrew continue, because back then, he knew he was going to die. Today? He had his life, and he couldn't let Andrew bring him down, no matter how much Neil wanted him. Neil was about to draw away when Andrew beat him to it.

"You mean nothing. You mean nothing to me." And with that Andrew left Neil, breathless and cold after the heat that Andrew spread in his blood. Neil wanted to scream in frustration, but what could he do. He stalked to the couch where Andrew had left his book, and he dragged his feet to his room, where he lay in bed and read. When he finished, he paused and started it all over again. He didn't cry. He just sat there unfeeling as he read the comforting pages. He felt like Dante. Always wanting, but Ari was too hard, too untouchable. It took Ari so long to let himself love. Neil would never get that, because Andrew didn't love him in the first place. He was just someone to make out with. But Neil couldn't care. He was given something, and he wouldn't let it go to waste.

Neil stayed in bed until he heard Andrew enter the apartment. He climbed out and watched Andrew, resting on the door sill until Andrew noticed him. Andrew did. He saw Neil's mussed up hair, his casual stance, his irresistible lips, still tinged red from earlier. Andrew strode purposefully to Neil and sized him up. Neil moved out of the way, and Andrew walked in. Neil closed the door behind them and sat across from Andrew. Andrew and Neil stared intently at each other for a while. 

"Yes or no," Andrew said. Neil searched his face and nodded.

"Yes." And Andrew leaned forward and slipped his fingers under Neil's shirt, gently tracing the scars. He pinched the hem of Neil's shirt and tugged it off him. Neil let his arms stay by his sides as he watched Andrew take him apart with his eyes and fingers. Gently touching Neil's chest. He grabbed Neil's hand and tugged him down, pushing Neil's hands above his head. 

"Keep them there" Andrew ordered, and Neil did so wordlessly. Andrew bent down and traced the jagged white lines covering Neil's chest with his lips and tongue. Neil gasped every once in a while when Andrew hit a tender spot. Andrew let his heavy and warm hands run down Neil's sides and feel Neil's muscles. It was like when Neil showed his scars for the first time, but Andrew used his tongue and lips the second time. Andrew worked his way up again, hands between him and Neil on Neil's chest. Andrew kissed Neil with heat. Neil didn't mind that it had only been a day or two since he was reunited with Andrew, because it felt like no time had passed at all. Andrew was a familiar weight, a reassuring presence. Neil felt safe. If Neil was right about his own desires, Neil had wanted this since his Freshman year. He just hadn't realized. he wondered how long Andrew had wanted him like this. Probably never. This was probably just a way for Andrew to take care of his needs. Following Neil non-stop had probably left him lonely. Neil hardly noticed when one of Andrew's hands slowly slipped down Neil's torso and unbuttoned his jeans. Neil was a writhing mess in his sheets. Andrew didn't let him escape as he worked Neil to the edge. Neil let go of Andrew's lips so cry out Andrew's name. As he fell from his high, he risked a glance at Andrew. He looked uncomfortable.

"Do you want me to-?" Andrew climbed off him wordlessly and went to the bathroom. Neil went in after him a five minutes later to clean up. Andrew was already in his room. Neil tried not to feel disappointed as he saw Andrew's figure in the dark. Neil climbed into his bed and fell asleep.

For the next week, Andrew didn't even come close. He repeatedly told Neil he meant nothing, and Neil wanted to scream. He let Andrew be, though. 

Neil was walking home after visiting a nearby Exy court with Kevin when someone stepped in his path. It was late, but Neil recognized the silhouette of a gun in their hand. He was only twenty paces from his apartment. He could see the balcony from where he stood if he dared to look. He didn't though. It had been a while since his last encounter with violence, and he had grown unaccustomed. He could have defended himself easily, but today's fight with Kevin had left him mentally exhausted, and the sight of a gun was enough to tip the scales. His lungs constricted and his breaths shortened. He dropped to his knees and clutched his stomach. His mugger got pissed off and kicked him.

"Money! Now!" Neil gasped and rolled up into a ball. His mugger got angrier by the second and pointed his gun at Neil. Neil couldn't hear anything. The memories were streaming before his eyes. Neil shook himself and smacked the gun from his attackers hands. He saw his attacker and saw his father in his face. Neil still couldn't breath. He wrestled with the mugger who drew a switchblade and Neil tried to overpower his attacker. Any other day, any other circumstance, he might've been able to, but his lungs were burning, his mind was screaming, and his ears rung. His attacker swung when he could and his blade made contact with the side of Neil's face. Neil called out, and the mugger looked around. He picked up his gun and gave Neil a kick to the head. Neil's vision started to go black as he began to pass out, but his last seconds conscious, he saw a short figure strangle his mugger, until he noticed Neil. Andrew dropped the man and the man scampered away, his mask still covering his face. They'd never see him again, but it didn't matter to Andrew. Andrew bent down and wiped Neil's cut with his thumb. He pulled Neil close to him and shielded him from the darkness. But Neil was already fading fast. Neil felt Andrews warm, heavy hands run through his hair and cup his face, and then he remembered no more.


	3. It's the end.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the is the end lovies! sorry if it was a bit rushed!

Neil groaned and blinked his eyes open. A blurry vision of Andrew sat close to him. Neil felt the sting of alcohol and of stitches on his face. He raised his hand slowly to feel the damage but Andrew smacked his hand away.

"You're lucky he missed your eye. A cut that deep could have ruined your Exy career." Andrew said low and warningly. Neil looked at him, eyes wide, and Andrew gave him a pointed look.

"What happened. That guy was a runt. You'd think Exy would be enough to keep you fit!"

"Panic. Panic attack. The gun," Neil didn't have to explain further. Andrew dropped next to him and Neil laced their fingers together. Neil stared at the ceiling of his bedroom. He and Andrew stayed quiet for a while.

"What have you been doing. Besides stalking me?" Neil asked, real curiosity in his voice.

"I've been playing pro."

"Wow, does Andrew like Exy more than he cares to admit?" Neil teased. Andrew squeezed his hand.

"94."

"The more you say that, the less I believe you." Neil twisted his head to look at Andrew. Andrew faced him as well. His eyes were dark and ravenous.

"95." was the last thing he said before closing in on Neil. He was gentle with his face, but he hadn't connected their lips. Neil softly muttered a yes and Andrew kissed him softly. Unlike their frantic kisses before, this one was unhurried, sweet, gentle. Neil pulled back a bit and rested his forehead against Andrew's.

"Can I touch you?" Neil asked. He sounded worried, anxious. Andrew sighed.

"No." Neil sighed but returned to kissing Andrew. Neil kept his hands, shaking, by his sides. He was trembling with the effort not to run his hands through Andrew's hair. Andrew's hands were all over Neil as they had returned to the positions of that night. Eventually, Andrew's hands found Neil's shaking ones, and he disconnected their lips. Andrew placed Neil's hands on Andrew's shoulders.

"Here," Andrew said. Neil moaned in relief and his hands ran swiftly to Andrew's hair. His fingers threaded themselves in the soft thick blonde hairs and tugged. Andrew leaned back a bit, throwing his head back. Neil took this as an invitation to attack Andrew's neck with his mouth. Andrew gasped and shivered and moaned with each fierce bruising kiss. Neil smirked against the pale skin of Andrew's throat.

"Shut up," Andrew forced out through a groan. Neil tugged again and bit softly at the corner of Andrew's jaw. These sounds, no matter how filthy they sounded, were innocent with the rest of what their bodies did. They didn't push it. They just worked their lips red and swollen, or in Andrew's case, his neck got all red. He's have quite a few hickeys. Neil had left bite marks and hickeys all the way from Andrew's collarbone to the bottom of his jaw. As time ticked by, the boys felt endless, eternal. They let themselves feel. As the night grew and the shadows spread, they fell, exhausted on the bed, and fell asleep. 

Every day after that, the evening was filled with kisses. Rushed kisses, heated kisses, fearful kisses, comforting kisses, gentle kisses. They thrived in their solitude. At least, Neil tried to. Every morning, Andrew would remind him as they stepped out for practice that Neil was nothing. Every day, it wore him down. eventually, Kevin replaced reprimands about Neil's playing with reprimands of how he and Andrew needed to get their shit together. Neil felt hollow. Broken. He knew he loved Andrew. At first, he knew he couldn't respect anything in return, but those nights, when he and Andrew lay in bed after hours of kissing and experimenting, Neil hated that Andrew wouldn't let Neil touch him back. It was always shoulder's up. And Neil understood the reason for that. Andrew was broken as well, but Neil couldn't stand those morning afterwards. When he felt that Andrew loved him back, and then Andrew would throw it in his face that there was no 'them'. During the day Neil would slip up and call them an 'us'. Andrew would turn on his and tell him there was nothing. At night, Andrew would leave if Neil said that. Neil had reached 102% in the last week. It was driving Neil insane that Neil couldn't even do something  _nice_ for Andrew without getting reminded the lack of a relationship they shared. Neil would reminisce on the night when Andrew called him family, but that would only drag him further into his depression.

He felt nothing today. Cold inside. That morning, when Andrew had reminded him again of their ' _nothingness_ ' Neil didn't even argue with him. He threw himself into Exy. He came home early because Kevin couldn't put up with him. When he entered he checked his phone. Dan had let him know about fifteen minutes earlier about her upcoming arrival that afternoon. She would be there in ten minutes according to the timestamp on his phone. He cleared out the guest room, not like there was much to clear. Andrew had practically moved in all of his clothing into Neil's room. He ran through his chores quickly and uninterested. When Dan and Matt showed up, he could barely muster a smile. They didn't notice that much though. Dan was gushing because she had gotten pregnant, but Matt was practically radiating happy excitement. It lifted Neil's mood a bit so that his smiles were actually genuine. He let himself hug his friends and ask them questions. They responded giddily and there was so much light and happiness around them that Neil couldn't help but let himself carried along with it. Their mood didn't even diminish when Andrew walked in, sweaty from his own practice.But Neil's dropped to sub zero. Andrew was cold to them, but he mustered a congratulations. As soon as he left, Matt and Dan got serious.

"What is he doing here?"

"I broke his window and repair couldn't fix it yet, so we just agreed it was easier to share a flat." Dan and Matt shared a look.

"So, are you... dating?" They bore small smiles. Neil's mood plummeted and they picked up on it.

"No." His voice was ice. Dan and Matt gave him pitying looks. He was staring between them outside of the window. It was grey out there. Muggy.

"But you want to be?" At this Neil moved his gaze towards Dan who had spoken.

"He said- He said there is no 'us'. I'm fine," Neil said tonelessly. Matt went red and glared in the direction of the bathroom, where he could hear the shower running.

"You're not fine. I mean, look at your face. What happened?"

"I had a panic attack, and then I got mugged. Andrew patched me up," Neil said, his gaze moved once again out the window.

"The monster should be protecting you. From yourself included!" Matt Hissed. Dan placed her hand in warning on Matt's knee.

"Look, Neil. We are always here. We will  _always_ have time for you. Baby or no baby. You are our friend. If you need to talk, or vent, or anything, about Andrew, please, call us." Dan spoke for her and Matt. Neil nodded and gazed at the couple. A flame of jealousy rose in him but he stamped it out. they rose to leave, and Dan hugged Neil tightly. Like he was something worth standing for. Matt hugged him as well. Neil felt small wrapped up in his six foot six frame. Matt released him and they let themselves out. Neil stood facing his closed door for an immeasurable amount of time. When Andrew walked behind him, freshly showered, Neil hardly noticed. 

"Let's go you numpty. You stink," Andrew said passively. Neil sensed a hand hover over his shoulder.

"Yes or no?" Andrew said, still detached.

"Yes," Neil said automatically, but even he knew it didn't sound like it. He had no emotion left to spare.

"Yes. Or no. Don't lie to me," Andrew said, an edge seeping into his voice. Neil spun around.

"No," he spit. From the nothing. From the ashes of his emotions, someone poured kerosene and lit a match. He was burning bright, flashing. He was dangerous. Cruel. His face was twisted into the fiercest of snarls.

"Get the  _fuck_ away from me. I'm nothing to you. You hate me. Every time I try to get closer to you, to let you in, you push me away. You keep throwing me on the goddamn fucking dirt. I've dealt with apathy  _all my fucking life_. Your supposed to fucking watch my back, and instead you shot me. Repeatedly. You half heal me with your kisses, but then you shoot me again the next morning.

"Your right. I  _am_ nothing. Nothing  _to you_. I am broken, and you enjoy tearing the pieces left of me into smaller pieces. You don't give a single  _fuck_ if you keep treating me this way. You  _asshole_. I fucking  _love you_ and you hate me and it isn't fucking  _fair_ anymore! You know what?  _Fuck you_. I can't stay here." Neil's anger was gone by now and the emptiness returned. He shoved Andrew out of his way and he went to their room. He packed a duffel bag and his wallet and left. Slamming the door for extra measure. As soon as he got out in the corridor he started to run. Rain began to come down full force. He shielded his bag and realized too late he'd forgotten his phone. Not like he'd be able to stand it. He raced to the nearby Exy court and pulled out his keys. He let himself in and walked to the locker room. He grabbed his racquet, a bucket of balls, and his helmet. He started firing balls viciously at the makeshift goal set up for practice. Each shot fired like Andrew himself was guarding the goal. The emptiness consumed him, but it ebbed away as sorrow seeped into his bones. He still fought to whack each ball hard on the goal. When he ran out of balls he picked up the balls all over the court that had ricocheted off the goal. He started over and over again. He was shooting balls until midnight and by then, his arms had started to fail. He was in so much pain he collapsed right there. He fell asleep and was wakened by a very pissed off Kevin. Kevin grabbed Neil by his auburn hair and dragged him ti the locker room.

"Get into the shower and change. You can't practice until you've figured it out with Andrew." Kevin chucked him inside and slammed the door behind him. Neil dragged himself into the shower and stood there until the steaming water had left blisters on his shoulders. He struggled to put on clothes and when he stepped out of the locker room he had woken up some. He still couldn't pick up his duffel bag. Kevin glared at him and grabbed Neil's duffel bag for him. He led him to his car where Kevin dropped Neil off back at his apartment. Neil made his way up the stairs accompanied by Kevin and Kevin smacked him on the head when Neil hesitated. Neil opened the door and shut it on Kevin's face.  

He turned around and surveyed the scene. Andrew was sitting on the couch. Eyes red and face amused. An empty vodka bottle and several beers surrounded him. Andrew turned his face towards Neil and surveyed Neils broken stance. The fact the duffel bag wasn't on his shoulder, the pained expression on his face. Andrew started to laugh. A manic, insane laugh. He was rocking back and forth on the couch laughing as Neil stumbled further into their apartment.

"Welcome back, Number 4!" Andrew cackled. Neil stumbled backward like he had been punched in the gut. Andrew laughed harder. Neil collapsed and felt his knees slam onto the ground. They stung from the brute impact. Andrew wheezed.

"When you can't take your relationship issues you go play Exy! What a fucking  _junkie_. You don't  _love me_. You love your game. Everything is second to the game. Neil Josten, alone forever! or is he? No, your right, he has  _Exy_! Just like Kevin. Just like the  _goddamn Ravens_." Andrew was still laughing and Neil saw Andrew on the bed. Drake behind him. 

"I choose Exy because you don't love me. You leave me, every day. You should know about how it feels. To be left. Abandoned. Unwanted. That's how I feel  _every fucking day_ with you. Because I'm nothing. There is no 'us'. I'm just a fuckbuddy because you can't let anyone near you so you can heal. If I was nothing you should have let me drown! I would have felt better than this. This is worse than every second spent with my father or the Ravens. That was physical pain that could fade into scars. That could kill me and end the pain. This won't  _fucking_ end." Neil's voice was hard. Cold. Andrew stopped laughing. He sobered up at Neil's glare. 

"You  _are_ nothing. And I want  _nothing_." This broke Neil's glare. It shattered his rage, his sorrow. He fell to the floor.

"Why are you so fucking  _difficult_ , Andrew. Why couldn't you just have told me that earlier. Like, in freshman year?" Neil gazed up at Andrew from the floor. Andrew laughed.

"This was more fun, don't you agree?" Neil groaned and Andrew came off the couch and joined him. They held each other's broken pieces, and with the love they had the put it back together.

Andrew would never, ever say the L word. But he never failed to remind Neil how much he wanted nothing. Neil and Andrew were a very unorthodox couple. for one, they were into PDA, but generally it was accompanied by harsh words that to an outsider, meant exactly what they said. To Neil and Andrew, they were promises. They were thinly veiled 'I love you's only they could understand. Andrew remained ridiculously possessive of Neil, but Neil had never had that before, so he didn't mind. Neil was always pushing Andrew, but they both knew Andrew loved it. Andrew followed Neil to court, saying he had been invited once before, but had declined. He had declined because Neil wasn't on the team, but he never actually said that to Neil. Andrew and Neil never had that bad of an argument, or really, any minor one, because both en were pretty reserved. What they told was through secrets and stories, through kisses and false statements. It worked for them. They were never, ever soft with each other, unless it was locked away in their rooms. Neil and Andrew were too rough of people to be soft. But their love was by no means rough. They even adopted two cats. Their friends were relieved with the end of one of the longest running bets in Fox history, and Renee gained a small fortune through her winnings. Neil and Andrew were not perfect. They were not fixed. But they held each other's broken pieces together, and that worked fine for them.


	4. additional epilogue

Andrew stood on the roof, smoking a cigarette. Beside him was Neil. Neil reached over to Andrew and plucked the cigarette from his fingers. He took a long drag then crushed it under his foot.

"We both know those things will kill us." Neil looked at Andrew and he rolled his eyes with a small smile on his face. Then he glanced back out at the stretch of the city. It had been a while since they moved from their first apartment together. Andrew remembered everything that happened. The countless nights spent writhing on linen, afternoons with forgotten movies and melting tubs of ice cream, lunches with friends in the café down the street, breakfasts with bleary eyes and soft smiles. Those halls had heard countless of words that from afar would mean something totally different than what they meant. Andrew frowned as he remembered the beginning. His cruel words. It had been years, but he had never said sorry. They had never brought it up. Maybe it was too painful. Maybe there was no need. Andrew didn't know, but he felt, that after years of neil saying he loved him, and Andrew never finding the words, he would have to do this. He would have to try and fix the last remaining brokeness in side. Even if the rest was unstable, and fragile, he needed to do this for Neil, or else... he would never be worth those beautiful blue eyes and mussed up auburn hair. He would have to tell him he loved him. He would have to, then apologize.

"Neil," he started to say, there were tremors in his voice. Neil turned to his completely, but he didn't touch Andrew.

"I-I just wanted to tell you that I  _do_ \- Ummmm. I l-l..." he couldn't. He just couldn't. 

"Andrew. Stop. I don't need that." Neil let his hands hover over Andrews cheeks. Andrew nodded and Neil let them softly fall to cup Andrew's face.

"Really?" He closed off. His face went blank but Neil looked into Andrew's and saw what he needed to see. 

"No. I say it because you need it. And I want to say it. I don't need it said back to me. Every day you show me those words. if you said them? They would mean nothing compared to every action. Every soft smile you let me see, every punch you deliver to some asshole for me. You've had my back for as long as I have known you. I mean, maybe not when you wacked me in the stomach, but that just meant I got to stay around you. So maybe it does count. Look. Andrew. I get it."

"Stop this. It's disgusting," Andrew said, but he was smiling. His smile fell and Neil frowned. What else could he say? Andrew pulled away but he grabbed one of Neil's hands as they fell. 

"Still. In the beginning. I didn't show it. I treated you like shit." Andrew grabbed his pack of cigarettes but Neil knocked it away. Andrew glared at Neil but continued, "And- and... You should know why-"

"No. Stop. I don't need you to tell me. Andrew I  _know_. Sometimes, I feel the same way. Andrew, feeling hurt sometimes leaves you wanting to lash out at others. I shouldn't have left you. Even if I was angry, I shouldn't have le- "

"You had every right.  _I_ was in the wrong. I was supposed to protect you, and. And I couldn't even protect you from myself." Neil tugged on Andrew's hand. 

"Yeah, that was probably a very dumb thing to do but you never, ever have to hold back. That just makes it worse!"

"Have you been spending extended periods of time with Bee?"

"Perhaps..."

"Finally."

"But seriously. I know, Andrew. I get it."

"This is an exaggerated display of affection is revolting. Do it enough and I might kiss you till you drop dead."

"Try me."

"You wish." Andrew teasingly pulled himself away from Neil and Neil pouted. He hadn't quite mastered the look from Matt so all that happened was a harsh laugh from Andrew. He twisted his fingers through the belt loops and tugged him close. He paused and Neil nodded slightly. They kissed like it was the first time. Like they had everything to lose. Neil pulled away and looked deep into Andrew's eyes.

"I love you. And I know you are sorry. I know. It's alright. Make it up to me tonight?"

"Maybe..."

"Tease!"

"Jerk."

"You love it."

"I-...I do."


End file.
